January Resolution Update

Well. I still haven't gone to the Y since my last post. To be honest,
I'm really not doing ok. Constant anxiety is seriously taking a toll
on me. I'm ok on the weekends, for the most part since I have Nick
with me, but the weeks are absolutely horrible. I've almost considered
cutting again, since it releases so much but I couldn't do that to
Nick. It hurts him too much when I cut. I've also been trying to stop
eating all the time, since another good anxiety releaser for me is
having an empty stomach, but last night we got pizza and I ate way too
much and now I'm feeling pretty awful. My job makes things that much
harder too, because most of the time I'm bored, just sitting with my
thoughts. Unhelpful.

The one thing that would actually help, I think, is having friends. Or
even a friend. I have Nick, who I consider my best friend but it's not
the same. And I have a friend from high school that I still talk to,
and some people at work I'm friendly with, but we never do anything
together and I'm not incredibly comfortable talking to them about
issues I have anyways.

Honestly, I miss my Ednos Friends girls. I miss that site more than
anything. I miss the acceptance that group made me feel, like there
were other people in the world like me. They didn't care about my
weight or the fact that I don't have a 'legit' disorder. I miss the
understanding that came from having friends who were dealing with the
same thing. Nick does his best to be understanding and supportive,
bless his heart, but he doesn't understand my body issues. He's
actually a little underweight for his height and is super embarrassed
about it. According to him, my body is perfect and he doesn't
understand why I hate it (he's the one with the perfect body by the
way!). According to him, 130lbs is too skinny for me and if I must
lose weight, I should be shooting for around 150-160. Ridiculous. More
like 115.

115. It looks like the perfect number. I would give up a lot to weigh
115 pounds. I want so badly to have a teeny tiny body. I want to wear
a size 4 at absolute most. I want to buy shirts in a size small. I
want to go running in shorts and a sports bra and have nothing
jiggling. I want Nick to be able to pick me up and carry me to bed on
our wedding night.

Honestly, I know how vain this all sounds. And on some level it is
vain, incredibly vain. But on another level it's about more than
looks. Small people have more value in society. It's just a fact. My
social anxiety will be immensely lessened by having a small body.
People won't be judging me constantly for being so huge. I'll be
comfortable talking to people and meeting new people again. Maybe I
won't be as shy. In general I'll be more comfortable in my own skin.

And all that means I need to lose weight. I need to start working out
and eating better. Wish me luck!